Recipe No. 8 – How To Stop Puking.

Step One: Take precautions. NEVER work with children. Doctors and sane people would call this step, “preventative medicine.”

Step Two: If you find yourself near a group of children + teachers going home from vomiting, diarrhea, or some other extreme form of indigestion, leave. Walk out. Actually, run – it will burn off toxins and make your drink water to battle what may be headed your way.

Step Three: You’ve tried. You really have. And yet, at 4am, you begin puking. You can’t stop. You’re dry heaving. You drink a bunch of water to rehydrate. You puke all of that up too. You have chills and run a fever for the next 24 hours. You may or may not have body aches as well.

Step Four: Don’t move. Don’t do anything. Nothing can be trusted except binge watching Netflix. Once you can stomach a spoonful of water without wanting to vomit, you’re in the clear.

CONGRATULATIONS! 👏 YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY STOPPED PUKING.*

*If you can’t tell, I missed posting anything yesterday due to illness. My co-workers blame Chipotle. Listen, ladies, if it were Chipotle, I would’ve been puking days ago. Hell, if were Chipotle, I would’ve been puking almost non-stop for the last 17 years. And, this recipe would’ve been only one step (don’t eat Chipotle). It wasn’t the Chipotle. It was you and your puking and all of the children and doctor parents bringing their illnesses to us. Sharing is caring? Sometimes, I question that saying.

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