Recipe No. 10 – How To Be Neglectful.

Step One: Do nothing. Reflexes don’t count here. If you naturally breathe, blink, and otherwise move your knee when a doctor’s mallet hits it, you’re in the clear.

Step Two: Do NOT care. By any means necessary, teach yourself not to care.

Step Three: Write a post about neglect after failing to write daily recipes.

 

CONGRATULATIONS! 👏 YOU ARE ABLE TO NEGLECT.* 😔

*SORRY. While I admit it may appear as though I am a completely neglectful non-stick figure, I have been doing things besides blinking and moving my knee. And, I do care. So much so that I decided to write a post on my own failures in following through on my own self-prescribed daily posting. I will try to do better. ❤️

Recipe No. 9 – How To Be Compassionate.

Step One: Drop the projections. You may or may not need to have a truly direct experience with ego mind in order to grasp essence mind.

Step Two: Identify with the emptiness. See the everything + nothing that’s been right in front of your eyes all along.

Step Three: In this naturally neutral state, all that your ego mind believed to be real is replaced with compassion.

Step Four: With every tender trigger point in your psyche, life will gift you with experiences to learn where you’re not in compassion. Repeat steps over and over and over again until all karma is dissolved into everything + nothing, emptiness.

CONGRATULATIONS! 👏 YOU CAN ADD COMPASSION TO YOUR WORLD. 

*Whenever you blame others, you are actually admitting your dependence on them…you need the other to justify your egoic position: ‘I’m angry because he insulted me’ [is actually to say] ‘I need him so that I can have my anger.’ [In essence mind], the issue is not what the other did to you; the real issue is how you choose to respond to the situation. If you choose ego mind, you cannot avoid blaming or accusing.” -Excerpt from The Matter of Mind: An Explorer’s Guide to the Labyrinth of the Mind, Master Djwhal Khul through Kathlyn Kingdon

Recipe No. 8 – How To Stop Puking.

Step One: Take precautions. NEVER work with children. Doctors and sane people would call this step, “preventative medicine.”

Step Two: If you find yourself near a group of children + teachers going home from vomiting, diarrhea, or some other extreme form of indigestion, leave. Walk out. Actually, run – it will burn off toxins and make your drink water to battle what may be headed your way.

Step Three: You’ve tried. You really have. And yet, at 4am, you begin puking. You can’t stop. You’re dry heaving. You drink a bunch of water to rehydrate. You puke all of that up too. You have chills and run a fever for the next 24 hours. You may or may not have body aches as well.

Step Four: Don’t move. Don’t do anything. Nothing can be trusted except binge watching Netflix. Once you can stomach a spoonful of water without wanting to vomit, you’re in the clear.

CONGRATULATIONS! 👏 YOU HAVE SUCCESSFULLY STOPPED PUKING.*

*If you can’t tell, I missed posting anything yesterday due to illness. My co-workers blame Chipotle. Listen, ladies, if it were Chipotle, I would’ve been puking days ago. Hell, if were Chipotle, I would’ve been puking almost non-stop for the last 17 years. And, this recipe would’ve been only one step (don’t eat Chipotle). It wasn’t the Chipotle. It was you and your puking and all of the children and doctor parents bringing their illnesses to us. Sharing is caring? Sometimes, I question that saying.

Recipe No. 7 – How To Ask For A Raise.

Step One: If you’re self-employed, ask yourself. Promptly grant that raise. If you are otherwise employed, you’ll need to keep reading.

Step Two: Timing is key. Notice when your boss is not busy, sitting down, and in a good mood. Yelling “RAISE! GIMME!” in the vicinity of your boss will probably not work well.

Step Three: Remind your boss about all your hard work. Be confident, not arrogant. Politely, but firmly, ask for a raise.

Step Four: Be prepared to quit. Bosses like to give sorry excuses like, “we just can’t afford to give you a raise right now,” and “in all fairness to your co-workers…” Have a signed resignation letter on deck. It may help to get you that raise after all.

CONGRATULATIONS! 👏 YOU ASKED FOR A RAISE!* 💰💰💰

*Asking for a raise and/or threatening to quit your job does not guarantee getting a raise. Hey, but at least you asked. 

Recipe No. 6 – How To Become A Cult Leader.

Step One: Have an idea. A good one. One that will sell itself.

Step Two: Prey on minds that believe they need what you’re selling. Usually, in some form or another, the sell is about a particular lifestyle or image. They will begin to follow you, oh great leader.

Step Three: Keep your followers on their toes. Make sure they are so brainwashed and bathed in fear that it will take a great leap in life to stop following you. Ever.

Step Four: When minds start to wake up to whatever they’ve believed, make sure you have enough money to keep your cult going. Discredit non-believers at every turn. Be so fearful and powerless- errr, I mean fearED and powerFUL that you don’t have to appear to be grasping at straws to maintain “order.”

CONGRATULATIONS! 👏 YOU HAVE BECOME A CULT LEADER.* 😱

*A cult can be seen as such depending on perspective. Scientology? Consult the dictionary definition. An economy based on consumerism? You decide.

Recipe No. 5 – How To Fall In Love.

Step One: Project. Make sure you do NOT see the person you’re attracted to clearly.

Step Two: Find a lovely gated community together on Cloud No. 9.

Step Three: Begin to see your mate for who he/she really is. Learn how to forgive. Over and over and over again. And then. Some more.

 

CONGRATULATIONS! 👏 EVEN IF YOU’VE FALLEN FOR ONE GIANT CON, YOU’VE STILL FALLEN. IN. LOVE. ❤️ 💕 

Recipe No. 4 – How To Get Through a Power Outage in the Middle of a Summer Day.

Step One: Get naked. The A/C won’t be working for a while, so it is best to take precautions.

Step Two: Eat food before it spoils. Start with the freezer – ice cream or popsicles are first in this crisis.

Step Three: Divvy up your time with your most-charged devices. Save your cell phone for last – you never know when you might need to phone a friend (or answer a call) for that tricky Who Wants To Be A Millionaire question.

Step Four: Still no power? Take a nap and pray 🙏 that your devices will be re-charged again in the convenience of your own home rather than at some random Starbucks outside of the zone of affected power-outage customers.

CONGRATULATIONS! 👏 YOU MADE IT THROUGH A 1ST WORLD CRISIS. 😱

*Inspired by yet another no A/C situation at my job today. Almost the 3rd power outage of some kind at my job/home this summer. I stand by this recipe. It is utterly complaint-proof. 

Recipe No. 3 – How To Appear Mature.

Step One: Learn how to tie a tie. Male or female – makes no difference. Mature adults know how to tie ties.

Step Two: Open up a Roth IRA, a 401K, and learn how to talk about ROIs like it’s your job.

Step Three: Have dinner parties, game nights, or write a novel about your life. If you’re wanting to appear REALLY mature, you’ll do all three.

CONGRATULATIONS! 👏🎇 YOU AT LEAST LOOK LIKE A MATURE ADULT. 👩‍💼👨🏽‍💼💼

Recipe No. 1 – How To Be A Tyrant.

Step One: Bully others, subtly or overtly.

Step Two: Hear gossip about your actions, behavior, reactions, words, tone, or otherwise “you” related items. Be invested enough in your ego to give a fuck.

Step Three: Fire anyone who doesn’t agree with your “leadership” style. Show them how much you give a fuck about their opinions of you. Show them your weakness – errr, I mean your power.

👏👏 CON-GRATULATIONS!!** YOU ARE NOW A TYRANT.

**Side effects may include: dizziness from abuse of power, a high level of displaced emotion, a see-through illusion of strength, an abnormal level of insecurity, a life based on fear with little or no access to your heart, a low level of ability to think before you act/speak, and overwhelming loneliness.

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I started reading a new book AFTER getting this post ready. First chapter, no joke: Mind As Tyrant. Synchronicity in my life never gets old.

“Whenever you find yourself living a in a time that is riddled with chaotic and/or deceptive energy, you may notice that you feel rather small. …What is really needed is a way to think outside the box.” – The Matter of Mind: An Explorer’s Guide to the Labyrinth of the Mind, by Master Djwhal Khul through Kathlyn Kingdon